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Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

In response to many requests, we are rerunning our popular Thanksgiving post, Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the store,
Not an employee was stirring. They could give no more

Their stockings were torn but they did not care.
They just hoped that closing time soon would be there.

The children’s department was completely a wreck
While the staff glared at shoppers and wished them to heck.

The managers were tired, the employees were pooped
And all wished with fervor they could go and get looped.

When out in the aisles there arose such a clatter
They all started swearing. Now what was the matter?

Away to the noises they wearily trooped
With heads that were bent and shoulders all stooped.

The overhead lights did glaringly glow
Like the rage of a fire from someplace below.

When what to their overworked eyes did appear
But a nut in a sleigh full of holiday gear.

And the little old driver was so peppy and sleek
They knew in a moment they were all up shit’s creek.

A man from corporate to the staff came
And he whistled and shouted and called them all names.

“Now, Dumbass! now, Birdbrain! Now, Stooper and Bonehead!
On, Cranky! on, Stupid! on, Leadass and Meathead!

“I want top profit stores, I want top profit malls!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before a wild hurricane fly
The staff looked at each other and let out a sigh.

So up to the man, the staff they did drag
To see what new horrors he had in his bag.

And then, in a twinkling, he loudly did yell
“I want you all to sell, sell, sell, sell!”

The staff bowed their heads and were turning around
When out of the sleigh he came in a bound.

He was dressed all in Gucci from his head to his feet
His tie cost more than they all made in a week.

A bundle of sale signs he had flung on the floor
But then he said, “Wait! I have even more!”

His eyes, how they twinkled! his smile, how scary!
His cheeks were like roses, (from drinking some sherry).

His cruel little mouth was drawn up in a grin
He had the air of man who knew he would win.

The plan from corporate, he held tight in his fist.
And when he unrolled it, the staff got quite pissed.

He had a girl on each arm and a group of kiss-asses
(Who were really accountants with bow-ties and glasses.)

He was greedy and dumb, a corporate kook
And the staff when they saw him, all wanted to puke.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.

He spoke no more words but went straight to his work
He changed the whole store plan (because he’s a jerk).

And giving the finger to all of the staff
He then strode away with a soft evil laugh.

He sprang to his sleigh, and his suck-ups he hailed
“Let’s get out of here, boys, before we are flailed.”

But they heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight
“You had better make plan before Christmas night!”

An Ode to Bestsellers

(Sung to the tune of “The Monster Mash” written by Bobby Pickett, Leonard L. Capizzi)

I was looking at my stats late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my book from its slough began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list
The bestseller list
It was an Amazon hit
It hit the list
I pumped my fist
It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list

From their computers in their happy homes
To the Amazon boards where the critics roam
The readers all came and their Kindles shook
They wanted a download of my book

It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list
The bestseller list
It was an Amazon hit
It hit the list
I pumped my fist
It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list

The downloaders were having fun
The series had just begun
Readers could download a three-pack
Or buy paperbacks, one by one.

The scenes were rockin’, all were digging the plot
Word spread quickly, they liked it a lot
Everyone predicted the book would thrive
If only some characters came out alive

It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list
The bestseller list
It was an Amazon hit
It hit the list
I pumped my fist
It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list

Out from his lair, a critic’s voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the book and shook his fist
And said, “Whatever happened to a final plot twist?”

It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list
The bestseller list
It was an Amazon hit
It hit the list
I pumped my fist
It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list

Now everything’s cool, the critics have calmed down
And my new book is the hit of the town
For you, the reader, this book was meant to
Hook you on the series; I’ve planned twenty-two!

It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list
The bestseller list
It was an Amazon hit
It hit the list
I pumped my fist
It hit the list
It hit the bestseller list

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